Here is a quick guide to jump to the stories in order.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
There you have it, now you know every girl I’ve ever kissed. All thirty –seven of them. Though that isn’t exactly true . . .
This weekend I was in Stillwater for the OSU/Kansas State game. After the game, I went out to J.R. Murphy’s, a local bar in Stillwater. I was waiting in line to order a beer, minding my own business, when a woman came up to me. She was somewhere in her 40s or 50s. She came right up to me and said, “I know you, you’re Luke Stephens.” I was somewhat taken aback by this, and asked how she knew me. She responded by grabbing my face and planting a kiss right on my cheek, saying, “because I’m the 38th girl you’ve ever kissed”. It was not what I was expecting.
All right, now you know every girl I’ve ever kissed, even though I don’t officially count that last one, it did happen.
Time has flown since I’ve started this blog! I’ve loved sharing my love life with you week in, and week out for the past ten odd months. I’d like to say thank you for giving me a little bit of your time every Wednesday.
If you want to contribute one of YOUR stories, send me an email of your best kissing story at email@example.com. My goal is to expand EGIEK to also include a monthly post sharing your stories.
Once again, thank you everyone for reading! I hope you’ve enjoyed reading my stories as much as I’ve enjoyed writing them!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Ann: Can I help you, at 11:48 P.M.?
Mark: Alright, here’s the whole thing. Here are all my skeletons. When I was 16, I had sex with a married woman.
Mark: When I was in college, I smoked a decent amount of pot.
Ann: Uh huh.
Mark: Nothing insane.
Ann: What the hell are you doing?
Mark: What I’m doing is I’m trying to tell you that I’ve done some stuff that I’m not very proud of. And I like you, so I’d rather you not find out about this from anyone but me . . . this was a bad idea.
Ann: No, its fine. I get what this is and why you did it.
Mark: Is there anything that you’d like to share from your past? To sort of balance the scale?
Ann: Yeah, one time this guy rang my doorbell at midnight to brag about getting laid when he was sixteen . . . so I shot him.
~Parks and Rec, Season 2, Episode 5 – Practice Date
December of 2010 had gotten off to a rough start. The first two weeks of December were filled with law school finals, so they were no good, and then once Christmas Break started, it was like several of the girls I had previously kissed all got together and decided to start blowing up my phone on a regular basis. One took this plan a step further and followed me around an Oklahoma City bar for a full night, trying to engage me in stiflingly awkward conversations. One week into Christmas Break and I had declared December “The Month of Ex-Girlfriends Coming Back to Haunt Me”. The only girls interested in me were girls that I’ve previously detailed on this blog. I had written December off as a complete wash out.
About a week later, my sister invited me to go out to the bars with her and her old high school friends. I wasn’t too thrilled about this, since I’d be the only guy going out with them, but then my friend Mitch told me that he would be going along too, so I reluctantly decided to go. Here is the group I went out with:
The bars in Oklahoma City are generally a whole lot of fun over Christmas Break, since all of the students from Stillwater and Norman are in town and wanting to go out. This particular night was no different. Soon after arriving at the bar, I started talking to a cute girl who I recognized*, but didn’t really know.
*FUN FACT #1: About a month and a half earlier, I had seen the same girl while I was out shopping at J Crew with my mom and sister. I didn’t know her at the time, but I knew who she was, so I had randomly said “hi”.
The girl and I really hit it off, continuing to talk for several more minutes. However, I made a terrible realization about ten minutes into talking with her, I needed to poop. Pooping at a bar is the single most frightening thing I can imagine doing in public. You are surrounded by a sea of people you don’t know, the bathrooms are always pretty suspect, and you can never really trust the locks that are installed on the doors, because you know that people are going to be constantly trying to get in. To make matters worst, I was talking to a cute girl and I figured if I walked away, I’d never see her again. I told her I would be right back and to not go anywhere, and away I went*. I’ll stop talking about poop now.
*FUN FACT #2: She later told me she thought I was trying to end the conversation and ditch her.
I returned and eventually found the girl I had been talking to again. I bought her and her sister a shot* and continued talking with her.
FUN FACT #3: I asked what shot they wanted and the girl’s sister responded, “anything but whiskey”, to which I turned around and ordered a SoCo Lime shot, which is whiskey. The girl’s sister was not amused. In my defense, I didn’t know that Southern Comfort was whiskey*, since the shot just tastes like candy to me.
*FUN FACT #4: While writing this story I discovered, Southern Comfort does not contain whiskey, at least according to the most authoritative source for my generation, Wikipedia, which says:
Southern Comfort (often abbreviated in English to SoCo) is an American liqueur made from neutral spirits with fruit, spice and whiskey flavorings . . Although the original product contained whiskey, the current formula for Southern Comfort only contains whiskey-tasting flavorings rather than actual whiskey (except for the premier version called “Special Reserve”).
So, take that #37’s big sister!
By this time, I had had a fair amount to drink and was feeling pretty good. So good, in fact, that only one thought was in my mind; I want to kiss this girl. However, the middle of a giant room in a bar isn’t necessarily the best place to share your first kiss, so I was trying to figure out a way around this. Lucky for me, I quickly found the answer. Attached to the side of the room was a small open storage type room where the bar kept their discarded keg shells. This room was just what I was looking for! We snuck back into the room and kissed. She was the 37th girl I ever kissed.
Later that night, after some more storage room kissing, we went our separate ways. I left the bar knowing several things: one, her phone number, two, that she was in my sister’s sorority, and three, that I wanted to ask #37 out on a date.
The next day, I sent #37 a text message to tell her that I had fun the previous night, but got no response. I figured that this was not a good sign. Later in the day, with no received text in sight, I started to worry. As a result of this worrying, I called #37. No answer. Crap. I figured that I’d never see #37 again. Later that night, I got a text from Hart, my little brother in my fraternity. His text said, “The ladies want your number!!!”. #37 had run into Hart and asked him for my number, because her phone had been broken! This was possibly the best news I could have asked for. She called me and I invited her to Hart’s Welcome Back Party.
Hart had spent the previous semester in Japan, and in one of our Skype conversations, he had mentioned to me that he was having trouble figuring out where he was going to live, since he only needed a place to live for one semester. Not long after Hart told me this my sister mentioned to my parents that she was looking for another roommate for The Firehouse because one of her roommates was going to be student teaching during that spring semester. I immediately recommended that Hart be the house’s sixth roommate, and my sister thought that sounded awesome. So the next semester Hart was going to be living with my sister and four other girls. Thus, Hart’s return was going to be a big deal. Hart ended up cancelling his first welcome back party, but quickly rescheduled and #37 and I got to hang out again. We ended up kissing again at Hart’s house, and things were going very well.
|Hart and his roommates from The Firehouse dressed up as the Spice Girls for a date party. Hart is Scary Spice.|
Before, when I mentioned that leaving the bar I knew #37’s phone number, that she was in my sister’s sorority and that I wanted to ask her on a date, there was something I did not know. Normally, when I am at a bar, I figure that everyone there is twenty-one, since that is pretty much the only requirement to be in a bar. So, when I met #37, I figured that she was at least twenty-one, and I didn’t have anything to worry about. Eventually, once we were friends on Facebook, I figured out that she was nineteen, and a sophomore in college. A sophomore. I was twenty-four! Which meant that she was so young that we were never in college at the same time*! I would love to watch a video of me doing the math realizing that she was nineteen. “Born in 1991? Wait . . . seventeen . . . eighteen . . . nineteen!?! WHAT!”
FUN FACT #4: Because of this, when #37’s sorority threw an “opposites attract” date party, I dressed as an old man and she dressed as a little girl. It’s funny because it’s true!
Not long after Hart’s Welcome Home Party I asked #37 out on a date. And it went really well! So well that I ended up asking her out on another date not long after that. It was around this time that I was seriously considering starting this blog. I figured that a blog about kissing girls would affect #37, so I told her about my idea and a few of the stories I would be telling. She said that she thought it was a funny idea (See, why I like #37! She has a great sense of humor – a necessity for someone like me). A few weeks later I had actually written the first three entries on the blog and called her to tell her that I was actually going to go through with my blog idea. I wanted to make sure that she was okay with me doing this, and that if she wasn’t, I wouldn’t go through with it. She said to go for it*.
FUN FACT #4: She would later joke that she had no choice but to agree with the blog idea since we had just started dating, and shooting down my idea as stupid wouldn’t be a great way to start a relationship. She was joking, right?
We officially started being boyfriend and girlfriend a month after we met that night at the bar. And it was different than in the past when I worried whether I was moving too fast, or if she liked me or not. Everything was going perfectly, which was weird for me.
A couple of months later I got the call that I was going to meet #37’s parents. I had only met a girlfriend’s parents once before, so I was a little nervous. Everything went well, so I was excited. As we were walking out of the restaurant, I was talking to #37’s mom, who had just added me as her Facebook friend a few days before we met. I said that it was good to meet her, but that I felt like we had already met since we were friends on Facebook. She responded, “I know! And I love your blog!” (See why I like this girl! Even her mom has a good sense of humor!) You read that right, my girlfriends mom reads this.
A while after this, #37 was over at my house hanging out, when she asked if she could look over that week’s blog entry, since she had seen a grammar mistake in one of the previous blog posts. I said yes, and without thinking, opened the Word document that contained all of my blog posts. The same Word file that contained a list with the names of every girl I had ever kissed, in order. She saw them all, and knew several of the girls; one had been #37’s recruitment leader, another was her pledge class educator, one had gone to high school with her, one was her roommate at a wedding she sang at, and several of the girls were in her sorority. Luckily, #37 is cool enough to put up with her boyfriend writing stories about every girl he had ever kissed.
I’m lucky to have her.
And now, almost a year after we met, we are still kissing.
Next Week: Final Thoughts, and the Future of EGIEK
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
EGIEK t-shirts are back in stock! Contact Luke if you are interested! Or just tweet @E_G_I_E_K on Twitter.
“Don’t be such a tender daisy,” she’d said. “They want you to ignore them. You’re not doing them any favors if you don’t. You need to pretend you’ve never seen them in your life. The last thing in the world they want is you mooning around or acting guilty. They’re sitting there praying to Jesus that you won’t embarrass them.”
~ Freedom, Jonathan Franzen
Aside from Law Prom, the only other major social event in law school is the Halloween party. I don’t know what it is about Halloween, but it always sneaks up on me, and my second year of law school was no different. Luckily, a few days before the Halloween party, one of my good friends from undergrad agreed to go with me.
My friend didn’t really know what she was getting herself into though, because I had decided to dress up as an Indian for that years Halloween. Since I had been scantily clad for the previous law school Halloween party, I figured my only choice was to go skimpier and more scantily clad. So I wore this:
What made my costume even better was that my friend from undergrad was dressed up as an Indian too, except her costume completely covered her and was huge. We looked the exact opposite of every other couple at the party.
Another thing about my costume that you should know is that I made it from scratch. They apparently don’t sell Indian headdresses in the toy section of Wal-Mart or in costume shops. As a proud citizen of an Indian tribe, I think this is a terrible thing. So I went out and bought every feather at my local Hobby Lobby and some white duct tape and created the above masterpiece. I was very proud of this (which is why I had to say something).
Anyway, once I got to the Halloween party, I quickly lost my friend from undergrad, at some point I won second place in the costume contest, and I met #36. We talked briefly, danced, exchanged numbers, and I left.
FUN FACT #1: This is NOT #36. This is my friend Kristin (she and her boyfriend were dressed as Fox and Hound)
The next Monday after the Halloween party, I figured out that #36 was in two of my classes that semester. In fact, I had sat next to her on the first day of one of my classes. I hadn’t gotten to class early enough on the first day to sit next to my friend, so I was on the outside edge by #36. The next time we had class, the teacher said he would pass around the seating chart*, so me and my friend got to class early and made sure we were sitting next to one another. #36 had been left in the dust.
FUN FACT #2: Seating charts, another way law school is like high school.
That week after Halloween, #36 started texting me randomly. The strangest thing about our interaction was that we never acknowledged each other at school. Ever. Part of this is my strict rule of never staying at law school longer than absolutely necessary. We would pass by each other without even glancing at one another. Not a great sign for any relationship. It made no sense to me then, makes no sense now.
Around this time, the worst week and a half period of my life took place. I won’t go into detail, mainly because I don’t want to, but suffice to say, it was terrible. Right after the worst week and half period of my life, #36 randomly asked me to attend an Oklahoma City Thunder game with her. Since I desperately needed to get my mind off of things, I was happy to go.
While we were at the game, three things of note happened. One, I ran into a group of four of my fraternity brothers form college, one of whom was in law school with me. Running into large groups of friends on a date is always awkward, and I assume that is exactly the way I acted when I ran into them. Two, we did not appear on the Kiss Cam. The Kiss Cam is my favorite part of any sports event, bar none. If you are ever with me at a sporting event where there is no Kiss Cam, you will hear me complain for days about the lack of Kiss Cam. Once I went to a Thunder game and was in the bathroom when the Kiss Cam occurred. I was inconsolable. I nearly ran out of the bathroom with my pants down just to catch a glance of the final smooches, but restrained myself. Whenever I am sitting next to a girl at a sporting event, my Kiss Cam awareness is especially heightened, because I could be up there*. The third thing that happened at the game was that I put all my mental effort into watching that game. I wanted to do something mindless and forget about everything that was happening in my life, and the Thunder game fit the bill. This meant that I probably was a pretty inattentive date towards #36. But I had a great time, and it was what I needed.
FUN FACT #3: I have never been featured on any Kiss Cam, but my Mom and Dad have been several times. Gross!
Another thing that made this date strange was that we rode in different cars to and from the city. #36 worked in the city, so I had met her there. After the game, #36 and I met back up at my house, where we eventually ended up kissing. Our date had been exactly what I needed; an escape from everything going on in my life at the moment.
A few days after kissing #36, I stumbled upon a blog that she wrote on randomly. On her blog, I found her most recent entry, about kissing a boy earlier in the week and how perfect and wonderful it had been. “Great”, I thought to myself, “I am pretty perfect and wonderful, I’m glad that #36 enjoyed kissing me”. However, as I continued reading #36’s blog post, many of the details from our date and the date she was describing didn’t seem to match up.
Turns out the details didn’t match up because #36 had kissed someone else the next night, and apparently really enjoyed the experience. I gave her blog a more in depth look to find the entry describing the kiss she shared with me, but it did not exist. Suffice to say, we did not hang out again. We also continued our practice of not acknowledging each other at school.
That would be the end of my journey with #36, had it not been for this very blog that you are currently reading. I started this blog a little over two and a half months after hanging out with #36, and quickly found out that she did not approve of its content. She took issue with the fact that I refer to girls as numbers instead of using names, and that she thought this made it seem like women were only objects to me. I realize that this is a pretty late in the blog game to talk about this, but it should be pretty obvious why I don’t use girl’s names in these blogs. It is because I want the stories to have as much anonymity as possible when it comes to the girls’ identities. I see where #36 was coming from, but talking with her about the subject made it very obvious that she had never read my blog.
She might not like it, but she was the 36th girl I ever kissed.
Next Week: #37, Boy Meets Girl, Girl Meets Blog, Blog Meets World (The Final Installment of EGIEK?)
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Sometimes, Thad knew, as a scientist, it was the molecules that only briefly touched that caused the biggest reactions.
~Ben Mezrich, Sex on the Moon: The Amazing Story Behind the Most Audacious Heist in History
I met and kissed #35 in a twenty-four hour time span. It was after kissing #35 that I first had the idea to create a blog detailing every girl I had ever kissed.
I was in Stillwater for the weekend, staying once again on the couch at my sister’s house. There was a football game the next day, so I had gotten into Stillwater a day early to go out to the bars. It was at the bars that I first noticed #35. I noticed her because it was very obvious that she was noticing me. She was eyeing me hard. I don’t feel like I am exaggerating this (but it is possible that I am).
I figured that I should go ahead and introduce myself to #35. I figured out that I recognized her from my senior year of college, but we had never officially met. I bought #35 a shot and continued to enjoy my night at the bar, figuring I wouldn’t see her again.
The next day, while I was tailgating, I ran into #35 again. I talked to her and told her that it was good to meet her the night before, and we talked briefly, then both went on our way, expecting to never see each other again.
Freshmen Follies was also this weekend, and my brother, Chad, was performing in the show. The next day I had swung by to talk to him as he was getting ready for the show, and who did I run into? #35. She was helping the girls get ready for Follies. By this point I told her that it was getting kind of creepy that she was following me around like this. It was cute at first, but she had taken it too far. She laughed and said, “You wish”, and we went on our way.
Of course I saw her again that night at Follies. I saw her from across the theatre, so I figured that I had to say something. I told her that I was going to the Follies After Party, in case she was wondering. She told me that she pretty much had to go, since we had somehow spent nearly the whole day together. I told her that I’d see her there.
Ironically, I did not see #35 at the Follies After Party*, the one place we had planned on seeing each other, and she didn’t go. She went to the bars with her friends instead. This was fine by me; I was lost in a sea of Four Lokos and undergrads.
*FUN FACT #1: I should point out that I was easily the oldest person at the Follies After Party. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me, “I’m so glad you are here, I thought I was going to be the oldest person here”, I would have several nickels.
Eventually the party got busted (as all good undergrad parties do), and everyone left. Another house was hosting the Follies After-After Party, so car loads of people were going there. I figured, when in Rome, do as the Romans* do, so I went to the party. I was driven to the party in the back of a pickup. The pickup had a tailgate cover on, so me and three other people were driven to the After-After Party in complete darkness.
*FUN FACT #2: Romans = eighteen year olds.
After the After-After Party*, I walked back to my sister’s house, so I could finally go to sleep. I was on my way, when I saw #35 walking towards her sorority house. I was probably sixty yards away, but after two Four Lokos, sixty yards is nothing.
*FUN FACT #3: The hotel lobby. (Remix to Ignition, anybody?)
Imagine #35’s surprise when she walked inside her sorority house, only to have me catch the door before it closed completely and burst in the door behind her. I was greeted with a, “what are you doing here?”. I explained that I had seen her as I was walking home and that I figured after our weekend of constantly running into each other, I should probably get her number. She agreed and we talked briefly, and then I had to leave, because guys weren’t allowed in the house after two A.M.
We talked for a second at the front door, and I suggested that a great end to our weekend’s story would be if we kissed. She responded with, “Ohh, would it?”, and I leaned in and we kissed. I walked back to The Firehouse (a.k.a. my sister’s house) thinking how crazy it had been that I’d ended up kissing #35 after such a long weekend. A few days later I had the idea to start the blog that you are now currently reading. But it would be several more months before I did anything about it. So, while #35 didn’t have huge repercussions on my romantic life, she still had a part of a pretty big contribution to my life.
Next Week: #36, Absolutely Pissed
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
I was never cool in school
I'm sure you don't remember me
and now it's been ten years
I'm still wondering who to be
and I love to mix in circles,
cliques and social coteries,
hand me my nose ring
(can we be happy?)
show me the mosh pit
(can we be happy?)
we can be happy
I'm sure you don't remember me
and now it's been ten years
I'm still wondering who to be
and I love to mix in circles,
cliques and social coteries,
hand me my nose ring
(can we be happy?)
show me the mosh pit
(can we be happy?)
we can be happy
~Underground, Ben Folds Five
I met #34 my sophomore year of high school, not long after the events of the very first post of this blog began. Little did I know that almost eight years later she would be the 34th girl I’d ever kiss.
I met #34 through various student council* activities my sophomore year. She was a year old her than me, went to a different high school in the city, and eventually started to date one of my really good friends (who was also a year older). We would all hang out together, my whole group of friends, #34 and whoever she would bring along. I started hanging out a lot with my friend and #34 at her house during the summer between my sophomore year and junior year of high school. We became really good friends as a result of her dating my friend.
FUN FACT #1: I was a pretty big student council nerd in high school.
However, things eventually started to get weird. One night, my friend had to leave #34’s house early in the night. There were still people over at her place, so I stuck around. I ended up staying over at #34’s way later than I intended to, just sitting around and talking. #34 and I started to become good enough friends that we were hanging out just the two of us sometimes, if my friend was working or had something else to do. As you can probably guess, I started to like #34*, even though she was dating one of my really good friends. Looking back, this is kind of a crappy friend thing to do, but in my defense, I was sixteen years old.
*FUN FACT #2: Lets talk about the inherent likeability of girls who date our friends. Are you ready? This is my theory. We, as people, hang out with people who are, for the most part, similar to us. We are drawn to people who like the same things and find the same things funny. Thus, when one of our friends get a girlfriend, suddenly we think, “she likes him! And they have a successful relationship! And I’m a lot like him! She could just as easily liked me! And then I’d be in a successful relationship!” This is how I think the human mind works. I couldn’t help it that I started to have a crush on #34!
Eventually, my friend and #34 broke up. #34 broke up with my friend on a playground. Awkwardly, I was there when it happened, but so were about seven other random friends of both mine and #34s. After this break up, my friend was naturally upset, but I kept hanging out with #34. She was becoming one of my really good friends, one of my really good friends that I had a crush on, but still.
About two weeks after the breakup, I was talking to my friend and he told me that he didn’t like it that I was still hanging out with #34. “Bros before hoes”, he most likely said. I felt bad about having a crush on his ex-girlfriend, since I was pretty sure this was crappy friend territory, so I told him I wouldn’t hang out with #34 anymore. The last time I saw her my junior year was when I was sent over to her house by my friend to pick up the box of things he had given her. I remember this being severely awkward.
Flash forward a year and a half. My friend and #34 had both gone to college, and I was sure that I had forever missed my chance with #34, and I was pretty sad about this. One night, I decided that I should write #34 a letter and let her know how I felt about that previous summer. If I had access to the note I would reproduce it here, but thank God I don’t, because it could easily be the most embarrassing thing I could possibly read eight years later. The gist of the letter was that I was sorry I messed things up with the girl I had liked the most in my life up to that point*, who I was pretty sure liked me too*. I had one of my friends, Tatianna, deliver the letter to #34.
*FUN FACT #3: Again, sixteen years old.
*FUN FACT #4: This was unconfirmed and pure speculation.
Flash forward seven years, to the summer after my first year of law school, and #34 randomly Facebook messages me. “You came up in my news feed! What are you doing with your life??” That was all it took to get me back on the #34 train. Girl, you are most likely only one random Facebook message away from instantly returning to a guy’s good graces. I was hooked. We started messaging back and forth, catching each other up on the other’s life (I was in law school! She had a real job and a house! We were grown ups!). Eventually I asked for her number.
Surprisingly, I didn’t really do anything with her number for a really long time, and when I did eventually start texting #34, our schedules were really hard to sync up. After several weeks of trying to hang out, we finally did. We met at her house and just sat around and talked for a really long time. She had a puppy Goldendoodle that was a crazy ass dog, tearing its way through her house constantly. But besides that, it was really nice catching up with #34.
#34 and I keep in semi-contact over the next month, but I could never tell whether she was into me. I kept getting really different signals. One day she’d be flirty, and the next day she would be oddly mean. This was all over text messages, so maybe I didn’t inferpret the meaning that she was trying to express. This is the danger of text messaging.
A few weeks later I met a few friends out at a bar in Oklahoma City. It was a Friday night, so the bars were pretty packed. After being at the bar for about an hour, I ran into #34. She joked that she was mad that I hadn’t told her I was going to be in the city. We ended up talking for most of our remaining time at the bar, except for one major exception. There was a fight at the bar.
The fight seemed to consist of mostly people that #34 knew, because she quickly jumped in the fray to break things up. The best part of the fight occurred right off the bat when one of the guys pushed the other guy to the ground, promptly stood straight up, took off his shirt, and then began to pummel the gentleman he had just pushed over. It was so intense. Naturally, the guy who had been beaten up was kicked out of the bar, while the victor was allowed to stay.
I reconvened with #34. She was upset about the fight, but was still entirely enjoyable to be around. By this time, the bar was about to close, so everyone was leaving. I walked out with the friend I had met there, #34 and #34’s friends from the fight. Once we got outside we discovered that the guy who had been pummeled in the fight did not leave once he was kicked out, he had waited around to ensure that there was a round two.
I scurried across the street to the parking lot, so that I could be out of the way of any errant punches, while still getting a good view of the action. Luckily, several energy drink spokeswomen were packing up their wares in the parking lot, and gave several energy drinks* to my friend Robby and I so we could enjoy the fight.
*FUN FACT #5: One of these energy drinks would remain in my refrigerator for the next calendar year.
Eventually the fight ended. No one was seriously injured, except #34 had cut open her foot at some point. She said that she was sorry about the fight(s) and that I should come over to her place. Once we were at her house we tended to #34’s foot and then made out. It was pretty great. I couldn’t get over the fact that I was kissing the girl that I thought I would never have the chance to kiss. Eventually we both fell asleep.
I woke up early. It was still dark, and my arm was outstretched in #34’s direction. Before my eyes could adjust to the dark, I felt something soft and wet on my fingers. In my mind, I thought, “that’s right. #34 has finally had a taste of those sweet Luke kisses and she is ready for some more. She is licking my fingers, just waiting to make out with me!” However, as my eyes adjusted to the dark, I realized that it was #34’s Goldendoodle that was licking my fingers. I was not amused.
#34 invited me to attend a wedding with her the next day. However, we didn’t end up attending the wedding together. #34 and I never kissed again after that. But one time was all I needed. I had to wait seven years to kiss #34, and I’m glad I did.
FUN FACT #6: During my freshmen year of college, I took a creative writing class. I ended up writing the story of #34, my high school friend and I. (I’ve apparently always had a knack for writing about my love life.) I turned in the story, and got it back a few weeks later. The teacher told me that it needed a stronger ending. I was mad about this critique, so I changed the story so that everyone in the story died in a car accident on the final page. It was terrible.
Next Week: #35, The Birth of EGIEK
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Kramer: You know, I bet I know what this is about. It’s about a woman, isn’t it?
Jerry: Yeah, but—
Jerry: Yeah, but—
Kramer: Yeah, yeah! You see, this is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can’t let them manipulate you like that.”
~Seinfeld, The Fix Up
The week before my second year of law school started, one of my roommates from my senior year of college, Matt, and another college friend, Erika, were preparing to move to California. I traveled to Stillwater to attend their goodbye party. Even though I planned to stay the night in Stillwater, I hadn’t made plans as to where I was going to stay. By this point my sister had moved into her own place*, so I figured I would probably end up there.
*FUN FACT #1: The house my sister moved into was called The Firehouse, named such because it was painted completely fire-red. The summer before, my parents had bought The Firehouse, ensuring that my sister (and eventually my younger brother) would get to live there. The best part about The Firehouse was that it was a block away from the bars. The worst part about The Firehouse was that I would never get to live there. Just my luck, that my parents bought a house that literally backs up to the strip of bars in Stillwater after I graduated.
Before going to Matt and Erika’s goodbye party, I picked up my friend Mitch, so that I didn’t have to arrive alone. The party was a lot of fun, with a good number of people in attendance to bid farewell to Matt and Erika. After the goodbye party was over, the plan was to go to the bars, however, it was too early to go straight to the bars, so Mitch and I went back to his house to hang around and drink before heading out to the bars*.
*FUN FACT #2: It being too early to go to the bars did not mean it was too early to drink in preparation for the bars. This makes perfect sense in Stillwater, Oklahoma (and, I assume, on college campuses everywhere).
Several games of Blitz (a Nintendo 64 football game) later, Mitch got a phone call from Ashley, one of our friends from high school. Ashley was hanging out with a group of girls, so Mitch invited them over. The group that Ashley brought consisted of Ashley, our friend Alyssa, #33, and #33’s younger sister.
The thing that stands out most to me about my first encounter with #33 is what we were watching. While everyone was making small talk, I was looking through the TV guide to see what we could watch while we were sitting at Mitch’s. I stopped on MTV, because it appeared that I Know What You Did Last Summer was on, and that seemed like as good of a choice as any. However, on closer inspection, what was actually on MTV was I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer, the direct-to-video third installment in the IKWYDLS franchise that none of us knew existed*.
*FUN FACT #3: With a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, no less! Currently selling on Amazon for less than a quarter!
After we had enough of I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer, the group split up. #33 and her sister left first, heading out to another house party, while Mitch, Ashley, Alyssa and I headed to the bars. Before leaving Mitch’s house, I grabbed Ashley and mentioned that I thought #33 was cute, and that she should tell #33 that I said something about her. Ashley said that she would and off we went to the bars.
At the bars I ran into Robert, who I hadn’t talked to since I had kissed #31, about a month before. I spent the evening catching up with Robert, stopping only to refill the pitcher of beer that we were sharing and to ask Ashley if she had told #33 that I had thought she was cute yet. To my dismay, Ashley had not. I told Ashley that she really should pass this information on to #33. Ashley said that she would, and then went right back to the conversation at the table she was sitting at, with no sign of her texting #33. I sat back down with Robert and told him that I didn’t think that Ashley was ever going to get around to talking to #33.
Eventually, closing time rolled around. I said goodbye to Robert and began walking back towards my sister’s house. While I was walking, I got a phone call from Ashley. I was expecting her to tell me that she hadn’t ever gotten around to talking to #33, so imagine my surprise when I answered and it was #33, calling from Ashley’s phone. She told me that I should come over to Ashley’s house before I went back to The Firehouse, and I happily obliged.
Ashley’s house was close by, but across Sixth Street, which is one of the busiest streets in Stillwater. I crossed Sixth Street, and made my way to Ashley’s house. Once there, I struck up conversation with Ashley and #33, which eventually lead to #33 and me talking, alone, in the kitchen, where we kissed.
While all this kitchen-kissing was going on, #33’s sister was in the living room, getting increasingly frustrated with her sister. She has been #33’s designated driver for the evening, and did not anticipate being out til after two A.M. Eventually a pissed #33’s sister dragged #33 out of the house and back to where they were staying. I opted to walk back to my sister’s house. While I was walking back across Sixth Street, two individuals in a truck started yelling derogatory things at me, which I quickly waved off. I continued walking, and started to see alternating flashes of red and blue behind me. “Serves them right, those jackasses, getting pulled over for yelling at an innocent man crossing the street.” I glanced back to catch a glimpse of the truck getting pulled over, but the truck was nowhere to be found. What I quickly realized was that I was being pulled over, while walking, by two different cop cars.
The cops didn’t see the drivers of the truck yell at me (who were most likely drunk! – which was infuriating to me), they only saw me waving towards the truck while walking across the street, thinking that I was yelling at the truck. The cops eventually let me go, but only after being complete jerks about the whole situation.
That Fall, I was making routine trips back to Stillwater to attend OSU football games. #33 and I would hang out on most of those weekends. I didn’t let the fact that I didn’t live in Stillwater keep me down, since my sister had The Firehouse, I figured I could always stay there.
However, one weekend, I didn’t see #33. I had been tailgating all day and hadn’t made time to find her, and she had done the same. I went with my friends to J.R. Murphy’s that night and ran into #13. We ended up going back to The Firehouse where we kissed on the porch. To make things even more confusing for me, the next weekend I went on to kiss #34! Three girls in as many weeks? What was happening to me?
If there is one thing I believe more than anything else, it is this: when you’re hot, you’re hot, when you’re not, you’re not*. It seemed like #33 was the jolt of energy I needed to make the jump from ‘not’ to ‘hot’. I was feeling good. I was looking good. The world was my oyster. Of course I was going to mess it up. I remember talking to my friend at a random tailgate and telling him about my multi-girl predicament. He asked what I was going to do, and I responded that I would most likely postpone figuring out which girl to pursue until I had ruined my chances with all three of them. And that is exactly what happened.
FUN FACT #4: This can be substituted for “When it rains, it pours”. Whichever you like more. Same difference.
A few weekends later I was once again back in Stillwater, enjoying tailgating and Cowboy football. After the game, I went back out to the bars, and later called #33, since I hadn’t seen her out. She said that she hadn’t gone out, and that she was at her sorority house. I asked if it was okay if I walked over to see her and she said that would be okay. I met up with her, and quickly put together that I had missed my chance, she was no longer interested in me. I was once again ‘not’. It was good while it lasted, but nothing could last forever. I had flown too close to the sun and my wings had melted. I’ve read enough Spider-man comics to know that with great power comes great responsibility, but I had abused my powers and now Uncle Ben was dead.
FUN FACT #5: Uncle Ben is my hotness in this metaphor.
Very quickly after #33 had sent me packing, she got into a serious relationship*. Turns out, I was not the only one who was having a hot streak at the time. She had played her cards better than I had, and actually settled on dating one person. How she didn’t pick the guy who was running around with different women every other weekend is beyond me. Oh wait, it makes perfect sense.
*FUN FACT #6: A serious relationship = Facebook official. This is how my generation works and I hate it.
Next Week: #34, Worth the Wait?
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I like the rough, impersonality of New York . . . Human relations are oiled by jokes, complaints, and confessions – all made with the assumption of never seeing the other person again.
The last event before starting my second year of law school was a half-week trip to New York. I hadn’t been back to New York since my internship there two years before, so I was excited to go back. I had been bogged down in summer school classes, and I needed a break. I took two classes that summer, and the finals in both of the classes fell on the same weekend that the rest of my family went on vacation to the Bahamas, so I was pretty bummed out. The same day that I told my mom I couldn’t go on the family vacation, I booked my flight to New York. I needed a break, and I was gonna get one, even if it meant going somewhere by myself.
I made plans to stay with a friend who had moved to New York City earlier in the summer. The plan was to land in New York on Wednesday night, and to leave Sunday morning. However, a big problem with my plan was that my return flight home took off at seven in the morning. The bars in New York stay open till four in the morning, so I decided that I was going to stay out all night Saturday night, go back to my friends apartment, get my stuff and catch a cab to the airport. Perfect plan, right?
The first few days in New York were awesome. Large parts of my days were spent aimlessly walking around the city, just seeing what I could find. My only real plan was to swing by the DC Comic offices and said hi to some of the people I knew there from my internship two years before. On Friday, my friend Lacey* who I was staying with took off work and we got to hang out.
FUN FACT #1: Lacey is one of my closest girl friends from high school (not a girlfriend, but a friend who is a girl). She had been in the Freshmen Follies cast that I directed my sophomore year of college, and had interned in New York the same summer that I had. If I could only tell one Lacey story it would be this: my senior year of high school, we had been student council officers together. During the course of the Fall semester, I started to get the impression that Lacey was planning on asking me to the Christmas Dance, which was my high school’s Sadie Hawkins type dance where the girls ask the guys. Turns out, she was not planning on doing this. I tell this story all the time, mainly because Lacey hates it, and now I’ve told all of you. So there.
Lacey, my fraternity brother Brock and I woke up early Thursday morning and stood in line for Jimmy Fallon tickets. When I had lived in New York two summers earlier, I had tried to do the same for Conan O’Brien, but arrived too late and didn’t get to see him. So I talked Lacey and Brock into meeting there at six in the morning so we would be first in line. After standing in the line (which we started) for about three hours, we finally got tickets and go to see the show that night. I only bring this up because of the following picture:
|Me, slappin' five with Jimmy Fallon|
Finally, after the first two days of my vacation had flown by, Saturday had arrived. A large group of my friends were meeting at a bar and partying the night away. The biggest culture shock from Oklahoma to New York is the price of alcohol. In Stillwater, Oklahoma, they have five dollar all you can drink beer nights at Eskimo Joe’s. In New York a single bottle of beer can easily cost you that same five dollars. We found a cool little bar called Prohibition that had a great live band.
One of my other friends from high school, Madison (a guy), went with us to Prohibition, and brought along his girlfriend, his girlfriend’s sister, and one of his girlfriend’s friends. We all danced to the live band, with me dancing mostly with Madison’s girlfriend’s sister, who, it turned out, went to OU.
After drinking and dancing at Prohibition, it was starting to get late. Lacey, my friend Christina, and Lacey’s roommate all left to go back to Lacey’s apartment, while Madison, Madison’s girlfriend, Madison’s girlfriend’s sister and friend and I went to another bar.
At some point at the next bar, I started talking to Madison’s girlfriend’s friend. The rest of our group was off ordering more drinks, so we got to talk for a while. Eventually, we decided to call it a night. Madison, his girlfriend and her sister were all getting a cab back to lower Manhattan. I offered to walk their friend back to her place, since it was relatively close by and on the way to Lacey’s apartment anyway.
We started to walk back to her apartment, and continued talking. Our conversation could best be described as playful flirt-arguing, which I will name play-flirguing. We play-flirgued all the way back to the steps of her apartment, and by this time I had decided that she was definitely a very cute girl. The play-flirguing helped me come to this decision, because the play-flirguing showed that she had a good sense of humor and that she was able to keep up with my drunken wit. She became the 32nd girl I had ever kissed right there on the stoop leading into her apartment.
We ended up making out on the stoop leading into her apartment for close to three hours. I tried to get her to let me into her apartment, but she was having none of that, which, looking back was probably a good thing. After all, we had just met, plus I would have easily fallen asleep and missed my seven A.M. flight back to Oklahoma had I gone inside. Also, there was a bedbug problem in New York that summer, so it was probably safer not to go into any more unknown places than absolutely necessary. So we stayed outside, kissing until the sun came up. Literally.
Very soon after the sun came up, I realized, “crap! The sun is up! I am going to be late for my flight!” I kissed #32 goodbye for the last time, said that it had been fun, and ran back to Lacey’s apartment. There, I ran into my next problem. Inside Lacey’s apartment were Lacey, her roommate, and Christina. However, all of them were passed out, since it was quickly approaching five thirty in the morning and they had been drinking all night. I jammed on the buzzer to their apartment for what felt like forever until one of them semi-woke up and buzzed me in. I ran upstairs and threw all of my clothes into my suitcase, grabbed my backpack, and was out the door. None of the girls woke up while I was in the apartment, so still to this day I don’t know which one buzzed me in.
I flagged down a taxi and was off to the airport. Thankfully I made my flight. I would like to take this time to formerly apologize to whoever I had to sit next to on my flight, because I was a sweaty, stinky, sleepy, hung over mess that day. I made it home after having a great New York weekend, after having stayed up all night kissing the 32nd girl I had ever kissed.
Next Week: #33, When You’re Hot, You’re Hot, When You’re Not, You’re Not